when the answers are not clear

Grief is a crazy, confusing process. It remains present while the rest of your life is going on as usual. Sometimes it intermingles with the functions of your every day. Sometimes it isn't as noticeable. Slowly over time, a new normal is established. This can take years.

About one year ago, I began the search for a new job. It wasn't that I didn't like what I did, quite the opposite, but it was that logistics were becoming difficult and I finally pictured myself capable of stepping into something new after experiencing a loss. As I sent in applications for positions that I thought would be a good fit for me, I was met with closed doors. The door that continued to remain open was one in nannying. For the past three years I have literally loved caring for the kiddos I've had the privilege of watching and partnering with parents to help their children grow. I have built relationships with kids, moms, families, nannies, librarians, etc. that add meaning and fun to each day. I have seen God work in more ways than I can count and teach me so much about His character through the dependence of children on the one who supplies their needs. I love it! The Lord has provided for me abundantly and as I look back over the years I am awestruck by His tender love and patience with me.

Throughout the last three years I have asked God for answers to questions like, "How did I end up here doing what I do? I'm not in the motherhood stage of life, yet I interact and fill in for mom with children who are not my own. It doesn't make sense. Am I using nannying to fill my dream of being a mom someday? Are You giving me space and time to heal and grieve? How will I use my college degree? Am I held back by grief? Am I ready for something new? Am I ever 'ready'?". These answers may never be clear. But I am okay with that. It is healthy to lay those things down before my Creator and say "help me to understand". But I will not allow myself to be paralyzed by the need for answers. I will step in the confidence of my God - He has been faithful, is faithful, and will be faithful forever and ever.

As months went by of continuing to reach out and apply for jobs that fit my criteria (I may be picky, but I know myself well), I began to see a tension building between two passions of mine. I was offered an administrative position at a Christian school in the inner city of Milwaukee. I love this city and these people. I believe there is so much to learn and so much reconciliation to be had. I have hope for this city that is among the worst in the country! Many of my dreams during college involved working in the inner city and helping those who most people deem unworthy.

Simultaneously, my flesh longs for familiar and comfortable. I want to know what to expect and be able to prepare myself. Nannying has been the heartbeat of my weekdays for years and I love almost every minute of it! How amazing is that - to love your job each day? Thank you, Lord! The strain between these two was so intense - two dreams, very different, and they both can't be my vocation. At least not yet or maybe not ever, but I will lay my dreams of being a career nanny, being a mom, running a daycare or an activity center for moms and kids down at Jesus' feet and say, "Thy will be done". I will lay my hopes and expectations for working in a Milwaukee school down at the foot of the Cross and say, "have Your way in me".

This is my current understanding of my circumstances as they relate to the greater story God is writing. I don't know that each of the decisions I've made is the correct one, but I know that God forgives and will lead me as I continue to yield to His plans for my life. I have been richly blessed by this summer's sermon series at my church which have spoken directly to my circumstances. I know that it is not by accident or coincidence, but that He knows me well and supplies my needs.

When my plans fail, I can feel down, but God's plan has always been in motion. I may not be able to see the bigger picture, but He is working, in my joy and in my pain. And when I look at it that way, with His eyes to see things more clearly, my circumstances point me to a greater hope in Christ and the joy to come! How amazing to be held by a God who commands the sun to rise and chooses to relentlessly love me. Ultimately, my life isn't about which job I choose to do or about me really; it's about giving glory to the Almighty God through my life!

"So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." -1 Corinthians 10:31

Please pray for my transition out of nannying and into a school in the inner city of Milwaukee. Please pray for the students and staff of the school - that the Lord would be the center of what we do!