remembering that God is in control.

it was a year ago today that i checked my phone after a long night of Cru and homework and with one worksheet left to do. the time was about 11pm. i had about 4 missed calls from my mom and a few texts. all saying something along the lines of "call me when you get this!"

deep in my heart i knew it wasn't going to be good news. before i called, i wrote down a few things i feel like God inspired me to write because i would need to be reminded of them again and again.

my prayer:
"Jesus, I don't know what is wrong with my mom, but I do know that You are sovereign. You are showing me that "ALL other ground is sinking sand." Jesus, hold me in Your arms and remind me that I need to cling to You! In Jesus' name I pray for healing for my mom! Amen."

as my hand shook, i pressed the phone icon on my screen. my heart was beating so fast, the anxious anticipation of what she would say flooded my mind and my thoughts zig-zagged every which way. and then it came, the words that were choked out..."I...have...cancer." and my heart plunged to the depth of my being, farther than i ever thought possible. tears streamed down my face and our sobs became a symphony for Satan. while the rest of our conversation etched the details of what the next few days would look like, i scribbled a few things my mom said on that same paper i had written my prayer.

she said:
"It's meant to be, it's meant to be!"
"Take deep breath!"
"I will do my best and you know it, but if something does happen, I couldn't fight anymore."

these words echo our desires to be alive and live with the people we love. they echo the reality that we will all die at some point and reflect the hope that God has a purpose for it all and God is in control.

amidst the crippling sobs of my heart, i knew i just had to take a deep breath and trust God's plan. today, i remember that God is in control. even when i walk through the mall crying because i see a snowman decoration i know my mom would have bought even though she had so many. even when the rain in falling into snow. even when the sun is shining. even when my heart feels like it is going to explode from grief. because God is powerful! He is the ruler and the Almighty King of the kingdom that will have no end! what Satan intends for evil, God uses for good! so i won't allow Satan the power to use my tears to destroy, but i will lay my tears at the foot of the Cross and bow down before my Creator God and trust that the God who put the stars in the sky and knows the number of hairs on my head is in control!

He allows me to live with peace in my soul even with tears in my eyes. because Jesus made a way for us to live with God forever. this world is broken. we are broken and sinful. we say and think mean things, we lie and cheat and steal. but God didn't want to leave us in our pain and suffering. He came to our rescue. He died on the Cross to defeat death and give life. my responsibility is giving up control to Him and trusting Him each step of the way.

that is what it means to walk by faith:

"For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:17-18