The Woman

The depth of this pain seems to have no end;
it's so hard to go through life without my best friend.

The woman who carried me for nine months and brought me into this world
and who nurtured me and into whose arms I curled.
The woman who taught me how to read and write
and would tucked me in to say goodnight.
The woman who encouraged me to do my best
and always quizzed me for that spelling test.
The woman who wanted me to have big dreams
and signed me up for all of those rec sports teams.

The woman who survived a terrible disease
and taught me that in this life there are no guarantees.
The woman who helped push me to get a job
and who would sit with me for hours as I sob.
The woman who had to grab the steering wheel when I was learning to drive
so that the neighborhood mailboxes would survive.

The woman who made the most intentional gifts
and was always shopping for those clearance store thrifts.
The woman who always rearranged the living room
and who taught me how to use a broom.
The woman who was sad that I had to leave for school
but knew that I would be back for the summer to sit by the pool.
The woman who bought me groceries when I couldn't
and listened to me when everyone else wouldn't.
The woman who called late one night
to say she had to get ready for another fight.

The woman whose hospital bed I sat on like a small child
and who looked at me through tears and smiled.
The woman who prayed with me
and who wished to be cancer-free.
The woman who was willing to fight
but her lungs were too tight.
The woman who joked and laughed and tried to have fun,
even as she knew it was the end of her run.
The woman who comforted me in each wail
and even when she couldn't, reminded me to exhale.
The woman whose hand I held that last night,
and who would never again see the summer light.

The woman whose habits I have acquired
and whose life has left me inspired.
The woman who I remember every time I look in the mirror
and whose memory I never want to disappear.
The woman who helped me become who I am today
and whose absence will never be okay.

The woman who would not want me to be so sad
and would remind me of the memories we had
The woman who would say that it happened for a reason
and would remind me that this is a new season.
The woman who would want me to press on
and see the hope in the coming dawn.

"Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5b

take me deeper

when i pray, "Lord, take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, that my faith would be made stronger, in the Presence of my Savior" i can honestly say that it is terrifying. going deeper exposes my sin, my anxieties, my weakness, and all the things i try to keep hidden. the things that make me mere man.

taking attendance

there aren't really words. there aren't words that can make the pain go away. the pain just hurts, it cuts deep. deep into your heart. deep into your soul. part of you is gone. a large part of you will forever be missing. absent. you have lost someone. and that someone can never be replaced.

i can't say that i totally understand your situation. but this is where i was.

i walked through three of the hardest weeks of my life at each step not knowing what was next.

when my mom was diagnosed with cancer again, i knew cancer would be the end for her. what i didn't know was how quickly it would claim her life.

i struggled so much with the initial diagnosis. seven years prior she had been diagnosed and treated for breast cancer. i was in high school and able to spend a lot of my time caring for her at home. when i found out she had cancer again, i wished that i could be there to help her as i had been able to do in the past. but being a full-time student claimed a lot of my time. i started by spending my weekends at home watching my sister play basketball and visiting with my mom. those times were sweet, full of lots of tears and moments i will never forget.

He carries me.

today is one of those days, a chapter closes and you are ready to start the next one, but not sure what is on the next page. you hesitate to flip the page.

my face is tear stained as i pour my heart out to the Lord. my heart is so heavy, but God carries it. He carries me.

space - the continuous area that is unoccupied

i'd be lying if i said i was okay. i don't like this. not one bit. i've never felt a larger hole in my heart. a gigantic absence. this space that can't be filled by another human being. a mom-hole that was only allowed twenty-two years of memories. memories that are so hard to remember in the midst of this deep pain and sorrow. every new memory or let-down is a reminder that she isn't here to share it with me. and i can't pick up the phone and talk to her or listen to her detail the most current events.

how i long to see her beautiful face, shining smile, and wrap my arms around her! how i wish i could have one of her homemade meals, fish fry was our fav, or wake up to a freshly prepared breakfast. my heart sinks thinking i won't be able to hear her giggle and hear her say in her little kid voice that she went to the library to read a book. how i wish she could encourage me to keep going, to keep pursuing my dreams.

she always knew how to make me smile, even when i was feeling my worst. no one else on this earth cared for me the way she did. i could call her any time of the day and she would listen, offer a few words of advice and not expect me to change. she just wanted me to be me. my mom w...is my best friend. it's hard to think about her in the past tense, as if what was once so vibrant and alive is now just...dust.

...and sometimes the place doesn't look so pretty

where You go, I'll go, Lord! this is a promise. i will go where the Lord takes me, whether I like it or not. and today's journey is no different. today i walk through the valley of the shadow of death. today my heart breaks as my soul smiles. today, emotion seems to take over. today, God is and always will be in control.

I have these contradictory feelings. On one hand, I am immersed in sorrow in losing my mom, but on the other hand, I am filled with abundant joy that my Savior has defeated death and brought us new life.