A Beautiful Broken Mess

How seven hundred and thirty days have passed makes my mind wander in circles. That's a whole lot of memories and moments I wish I could have shared with you, Mom.

Over the last two years the image of a glass cup keeps coming to mind. Picture taking a brand new glass out of the box, setting it down - oops! you knicked the bottom. It is passed along from hand to hand, some are older, others younger. It supplied water and soda and milk, among other types of drinks. It's purpose to pour out onto others. It was cleaned and washed by hands and sometimes even a machine, it clanged against other dishes, rested on a drying rack. Then one day it falls to the floor from about three feet up and SMASH! it's in a hundred different pieces - medium sized pieces, bigger pieces, and teeny tiny pieces that have found their new home under the trim of the cupboards. Then someone grabbed a broom and a dustpan and threw the pieces in the trash. The End.

That's how the story ends for the cup, but that's not how my story ends! Over the years I see myself having been hurt along the way, but nothing (as of yet) has compared to that shattering day on February 3rd, 2014. I felt as though my world had shattered into a million pieces of all shapes and sizes - medium sized pieces, bigger pieces, and teeny tiny pieces that I will never be able to get back. Nothing made sense. My frame in which I saw the world was different. My sadness knew no end.  I'd forget to eat and had a hard time letting people into the valley of the shadow of death. At times, my hope felt lost, until the Lord gave me eyes to see the gentle ways he was picking up each piece individually and molding me back together. I wasn't being thrown in the garbage. Instead, God was holding me.

I've seen God answer prayers so specifically that it leaves me in awe. In this last year, I prayed that I would be able to reclaim my event planning capacity. The Lord provided a group of people who wanted to have fun together and my event planning was made possible. Similarly, I was missing living near the 'ocean' and was given the opportunity to live only a few blocks away from the lake. And most significantly, my sister chose to follow Jesus even if she doesn't have all the answers! Praise God!

On a deeper level, I'm in the process of being put back together, so there are still some things that my heart can't hold in. Emotions spill out, sometimes when I least expect them. My purpose never changed. I pour out onto others. It just looks different than it did 731 days ago.

I've learned a lot in these last two years about myself and about what is most important! I've recently been encouraged by Psalm 139. Usually when I think about that one, I assume I know it since I've heard it a number of times. However, a few new things stood out this time. Thank You, Lord, for these revelations. Over the last year, there were times where I tried to run - to things that felt better and made me happy, if only for a moment. But as this Psalm says, "Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me" verses 7-10. I can't run away! Because when I chose Jesus four and a half years ago, that was the moment His Spirit began it's reign in me. I'm in awe of how merciful and mighty He is! He is bigger than I could ever imagine, yet chooses to know me, dwell with me, live in me, walk alongside me through the mess and mud. What an amazing God! Another section of this Psalm talks about how God crafted us and shaped us intricately before we entered the world outside of our mother. Many times I think about how my mom was the only person who knew me completely for my whole life. It is a grave loss when someone who knew you so intimately is taken away, but this Psalm reminds me that God has known me far before my mother and loves me with greater intensity than any human ever could. I am so thankful for these reminders and this truth!

God is in the business of making all things new! He is a God who restores and refreshes! He is the One who gets His hands dirty and picks up shards of glass to very personally mold them back in place! I have no idea where I would be without my God who humbled Himself to die so that I could live! Don't hesitate to trust God! He loves you and wants to give you life abundantly now and for all eternity!

Life is a beautiful broken mess. And as hard as it is to say, I wouldn't want it any other way! Because I know "we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies." 2 Corinthians 4:8-10. I'm safe in the arms of my Father!