15 Years Later - 9/11/2001

It's that time of year again - back to school, September. The time of year where we never forget those whose futures were abruptly stolen when terror gripped the United States.

Airplanes were grounded, buildings were in flames, streets were filled with smoke, emergency personnel from everywhere came running, heroes were made, heroes were lost, countless eyes were glued to the screen as the questions, "what just happened?" and "how much more?" rang through the minds of countless Americans.

I remember the day vividly. I woke up that Tuesday morning with nothing else on my mind, but the fact that I was turning ten! Two whole hands worth of fingers, people! It's a big deal, when you are ten. My family always watched the news in the morning before school, so just like any other day the news was on the tv. We got dressed, ate breakfast, and I packed up my birthday treat that I was bringing to my fellow 4th graders. I can't remember what the treat was, but I would guess chocolate was involved! Ha. As we were about to leave for school, the news broke that one of the World Trade Center Towers in New York had been struck by a plane. Live footage from news helicopters flooded the screen. I was ten so I didn't really understand, but I could sense the tension and anxiety of the reporters. My mom, who was a very timely woman, didn't move. "We're going to be late," I said tugging on her shirt. We didn't move, but watched. And watched live as the second plane blew through the other World Trade Center Tower. What? I went to school and class went about as usual, except with a giant elephant in the room. Some chatter about what happened took place, but the teachers remained calm and didn't give us updates.

I remember feeling like 'my day' had been stolen from me. But what a limited perspective I had as a naive ten year old. While I was pouting over lost attention on my birthday, people were just hoping and praying to hear from their loved ones, workers jumped from buildings to try to survive the smoke and collapsing offices, emergency personnel kissed their loved ones goodbye, some forever, and leaders deliberated action plans.

I've felt the weight of this attack since I was old enough to realize what had actually happened. I remember it affecting me differently each year. I couldn't make sense of it. It wasn't fair. How could people hate so much that they would kill people they didn't even know? How do you right that wrong? Where's the justice? What is the purpose of this war?

I don't have the answers for all such evils. But what I have learned:

Life is short. We are not in control, God is. We live in a broken world. So while the world spews hate or fights for things, fight back with love. Because when our nation was torn and broken, what brought us together and lifted us up were people helping each other. Some helped by donating blood, entering burning buildings, cleaning up rubble, donating clothing, giving up their time, energy, and resources to help find loved ones, praying for and with those affected, and others gave up the most precious thing - his or her life. We were made in the image of God. That image is one of restoration and reconciliation and community. Let's choose to live counter-culturally and be the hands and feet of Jesus in tragedy and in triumph! 

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I wrote this poem about the grief of a wife who lost her husband as he fought for our country. It was inspired by a photograph I found many years ago. I don't have a copy of it anymore, but I would imagine that this photo elicits the emotional toll on this woman.

The Last Time I Saw Your Face

By: Jessica Eckert

Date: February 12, 2007

The last time I saw your face,

You were lying next to me.

You were remembering what used to be.

You were rising from the bed.

You rose and shook your head.

The last time I saw your face,

You were answering the phone.

You were packing to go alone.

You were whispering in my ears.

You were drowned in my tears.

You were saying your good-byes.

You were watering at the eyes.

The last time I saw your face,

You were hurrying to catch the plane.

Your were running through the rain.

You were on the T.V. screen.

You were on tank one-eighteen.

The last time we saw your face, 

We were all draped in a weeping, black sea.

We were remembering what used to be.

We were saying our good-byes.

We were watering at the eyes.

We were drowned in our tears. 

We were remember all the years.

All the years that are now lost,

All the years we’ll never get back,

All the years we never had,

And all the years we’ll lack.

Our love, the one and only.

Our love, we love you dear.

Our love, we’ll always remember 

What you did for our country, my dear.

The battles that you fought so bravely.

The days of pain and heartache.

The hours of feeling lonely.

And the minutes of fighting without a break.

You did this for our country. 

Without another word. 

You gave away a century,

That is what we heard.

To protect the nation you care so much about

Rest in peace, my love, we’ll never forget, have no doubt.

Fighting with Comfort

Comfort is a subtle, yet strong weapon that Satan can use to take our eyes off Jesus.

We can become comfortable with our jobs, our finances, our social status, the size of our house, our reputation, our relationship status, the size of our family, the success of our children. When people ask how we are doing, we say, "Great!" Is that 'great' a measurement of: how comfortable we feel in our current circumstances or how confident we are in who God is and His character, despite our circumstances?

What happens when our circumstances are hard? What happens when you don't have that well-paying job to go to? What happens when your family unit grows increasingly dysfunctional? What happens when your pennies are stretched or altogether disappear? What happens when your children make poor decisions? What happens when you've prayed and prayed and found no relief?

One's response to these things reveals the heart's posture, towards or away from God. He says in the sixth chapter of the book of Matthew:

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

“The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!

“No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Verses 19-34.

God asks us for our full devotion - to trust in Him and only Him. He is sovereign. He is in control of all the things that are going on. He has a plan and a purpose.

Recently, I have felt the temptation to despair and if I'm honest, I've given into it. I've let my circumstances define my joy. I've let the hard cause me to doubt God's goodness and His care for me. I've rummaged to create a back-up plan, as if God would fail me.

There are some things we don't realize we are thankful for until they are taken away. Over the summer, I had issues with my eye. It forced me to be uncomfortable with my appearance. Then I remember my appearance isn't everything. God calls me beautiful and His beloved, despite the amount of make-up the world says I need to wear. How easy it is to give in to what the world says. The noise is so loud - blaring through the screens, papers, etc. What does 'the world' have to offer? Nothing in comparison to the greatness of God, through Jesus. I pray the voice of God is heard louder than the noise. You are created in God's image. You are made to be beautiful! God created you specifically for a purpose. You may not see the whole picture, but your life has value. You are worth it! You are worth it so much that God chose to die for you! He loves you that much!

This summer poses a possible transition in vocation for me. Only the Lord knows at this point what the next step is, but I found myself asking questions about why I wanted different kinds of jobs. The world says that we need to have a stable income, we need benefits, we need to stay in one place for a long time. I know these are good things, but it's not okay to find our stability and comfort in these things. If our hope is in finding a great job, we have a problem. God doesn't always work in the logical, straightforward way. Actually, He usually turns things upside-down. It would be great to have a job that I love, but I want my only hope to be in God. I'm not defined my job or lack thereof, but I'm defined by who God says that I am. I want my vocation to be a means to store up treasures in heaven, not on earth.

I know this isn't something I have to do on my own. The Lord is with me in it. He is working through it. He will provide. It may look different than I think right now, but He will be glorified through it. And that it why I don't have to be anxious. He cares for His creation. He cares for His daughter. And He will supply my every need. Because He knows me better than I know myself and He planned my days before I was even born. Thank God! May I trust His plans.

He doesn't call us to comfortable. He calls us to give Him glory through our circumstances. Let us fight to not be comfortable, but to find our comfort in Him and only Him.

"Do you want to be healed?"

A few weeks ago, a dear friend of mine shared about something she learned at a conference. Unbeknownst to her, the Lord was working on my heart and that is exactly what I needed to hear. I honestly don't remember all the details, but the Lord was using the text from the Gospel of John chapter 5 verses 2-9:

Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, in Aramaic called Bethesda, which has five roofed colonnades. In these lay a multitude of invalids—blind, lame, and paralyzed. One man was there who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be healed?” The sick man answered him, “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me.” Jesus said to him, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.” And at once the man was healed, and he took up his bed and walked.

A story of a man being healed after thirty-eight years! Woah! The speaker had focused on how Jesus asked him if he wanted to be healed. Well, duh! That's why he has been sitting and waiting for thirty-eight years, right?! Of course, Jesus knew the man's thoughts and desires even before walking up to him.

But how often are we so close to healing and yet, not healed. It's something that isn't in our control necessarily. Ultimately, God is in control and His timing is perfect. "No one can say 'Jesus is Lord' except in the Holy Spirit" 1 Corinthians 12:3.

The ultimate healing comes when we acknowledge that God created us in His image and that when sin entered the world through Adam and Eve, God's presence did not dwell with man any longer. People and God were separated. A huge gulf existed between the Creator and the created. This is the greatest problem of all! That is why God had to send His Son to bridge the gap between us and Himself. The bridge cost Him His life, but He rose victoriously and is seated at the right hand of the Father. Someone had to come. Someone had to die the death we deserved so that we could live. Someone had to tell us to take up our bed, and walk in faith. His name is Jesus. He made the way for us to know God. Ephesians 2:8-10 says: "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

When we choose to take the step of faith and believe that Jesus died to save us from eternal separation from God, all of our sins are wiped away - past, present, and future. We are made new. We can live in freedom because of what Christ has done for us! Can I get an Amen! Thank you, Jesus!

Even though I have a new identity in Jesus, there are times when I get stuck in my circumstances, in my mistakes. I beat myself up, I doubt, I ask questions, I try to plan my future. These things aren't necessarily bad. I think it is healthy to ask questions, have doubts, make plans, and feel sorry for doing something wrong, but it's the staying stuck part and not yielding those things to the authority of an Almighty God who has already done so much and will most definitely continue to work in and through us, that's wrong. The Bible calls us to walk in victory. We have nothing to fear because His perfect love casts out fear. We don't have to be anxious about anything, because God will give us peace when we share those things with Him.

As I have reflected on this passage and seen it's themes run through other areas of Scripture that I'm reading, I can't help but see that my circumstances are nothing in the light of what Jesus has done! I've walked through the valley of the shadow of the death of my mom and I've felt stuck. There hasn't been anything as worse as this in my life thus far, and it hurts to a degree that I didn't think was possible. It's also so dynamic and long-term. Jesus is teaching me how to walk while carrying it. Amongst that, there is also the uncertainty of this stage of my life. What's next? I do not know. I have a million passions and desires and don't have an end plan. I'm walking one step at a time. God shining the light so that all I can see is the next step. I have to trust Him, that this crazy path I'm on is leading me to a things that are for my good and for His glory! And I trust Him because He's never failed and He won't start now.

So when Jesus asks, "Do you want to be healed?", my answer is yes. And it's a process. It involves sweat and tears and mistakes. But it's also covered by love and grace and truth. It's by the power of Jesus that we can walk through suffering and still experience joy. He is the source of our hope. He is the anchor for our souls. Even when the storms rage, we are anchored. We may sway to and fro and feel like we are going to fly overboard, but He holds us secure. We are His and He is ours.

What has you stuck? What are you waiting for? If you haven't taken the step of faith to trust Jesus, what's holding you back? How can you walk as a new creation? How are you called to walk in the light? How can you trust God today? Wrestle with God. Ponder the yearnings of your heart. Seek what He would have for you in this season of life and take up your mat and walk.

I pray that you are encouraged and pushed to lean into God's promises which are always true and never changing.

With joy,
Jess <3

A Beautiful Broken Mess

How seven hundred and thirty days have passed makes my mind wander in circles. That's a whole lot of memories and moments I wish I could have shared with you, Mom.

Over the last two years the image of a glass cup keeps coming to mind. Picture taking a brand new glass out of the box, setting it down - oops! you knicked the bottom. It is passed along from hand to hand, some are older, others younger. It supplied water and soda and milk, among other types of drinks. It's purpose to pour out onto others. It was cleaned and washed by hands and sometimes even a machine, it clanged against other dishes, rested on a drying rack. Then one day it falls to the floor from about three feet up and SMASH! it's in a hundred different pieces - medium sized pieces, bigger pieces, and teeny tiny pieces that have found their new home under the trim of the cupboards. Then someone grabbed a broom and a dustpan and threw the pieces in the trash. The End.

That's how the story ends for the cup, but that's not how my story ends! Over the years I see myself having been hurt along the way, but nothing (as of yet) has compared to that shattering day on February 3rd, 2014. I felt as though my world had shattered into a million pieces of all shapes and sizes - medium sized pieces, bigger pieces, and teeny tiny pieces that I will never be able to get back. Nothing made sense. My frame in which I saw the world was different. My sadness knew no end.  I'd forget to eat and had a hard time letting people into the valley of the shadow of death. At times, my hope felt lost, until the Lord gave me eyes to see the gentle ways he was picking up each piece individually and molding me back together. I wasn't being thrown in the garbage. Instead, God was holding me.

I've seen God answer prayers so specifically that it leaves me in awe. In this last year, I prayed that I would be able to reclaim my event planning capacity. The Lord provided a group of people who wanted to have fun together and my event planning was made possible. Similarly, I was missing living near the 'ocean' and was given the opportunity to live only a few blocks away from the lake. And most significantly, my sister chose to follow Jesus even if she doesn't have all the answers! Praise God!

On a deeper level, I'm in the process of being put back together, so there are still some things that my heart can't hold in. Emotions spill out, sometimes when I least expect them. My purpose never changed. I pour out onto others. It just looks different than it did 731 days ago.

I've learned a lot in these last two years about myself and about what is most important! I've recently been encouraged by Psalm 139. Usually when I think about that one, I assume I know it since I've heard it a number of times. However, a few new things stood out this time. Thank You, Lord, for these revelations. Over the last year, there were times where I tried to run - to things that felt better and made me happy, if only for a moment. But as this Psalm says, "Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me" verses 7-10. I can't run away! Because when I chose Jesus four and a half years ago, that was the moment His Spirit began it's reign in me. I'm in awe of how merciful and mighty He is! He is bigger than I could ever imagine, yet chooses to know me, dwell with me, live in me, walk alongside me through the mess and mud. What an amazing God! Another section of this Psalm talks about how God crafted us and shaped us intricately before we entered the world outside of our mother. Many times I think about how my mom was the only person who knew me completely for my whole life. It is a grave loss when someone who knew you so intimately is taken away, but this Psalm reminds me that God has known me far before my mother and loves me with greater intensity than any human ever could. I am so thankful for these reminders and this truth!

God is in the business of making all things new! He is a God who restores and refreshes! He is the One who gets His hands dirty and picks up shards of glass to very personally mold them back in place! I have no idea where I would be without my God who humbled Himself to die so that I could live! Don't hesitate to trust God! He loves you and wants to give you life abundantly now and for all eternity!

Life is a beautiful broken mess. And as hard as it is to say, I wouldn't want it any other way! Because I know "we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies." 2 Corinthians 4:8-10. I'm safe in the arms of my Father!