You, Lord, make ALL things new!

I started this year off with this theme:

be thankful for what God has done.

be hopeful for what He has yet to do.

be worshipful always.

As this year comes to an end, I like to go back and reflect on how this theme has been evident in the last year!

Thankfulness | This year I learned a lot about having a spirit of thankfulness. I read Selections from One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, mostly because I knew I wouldn't be able to finish the actual book and because I was gifted this one and it had pretty pictures! A rough overview of the book is to make a list of things in life that denote thanks to God. Ann makes a list and as she is making the list, she is amazed at how many more things she wants to thank God for. Thankfulness breeds more thankfulness and it's a really beautiful thing - because it is more than writing a list, it's giving thanks to God for the mundane, everyday blessings that He is providing. It is a change in perspective and it is a way to live in the present of such a fast-paced, surface level lifestyle our society promotes. God is present in all our moments, it's whether we recognize them that makes the difference in our hearts. Hearts of gratitude change the speedy, restless heart to a heart that knows God's rest. A few things that I'm thankful for this year - having the opportunity to meet like-minded friends at church and begin building community; God providing me with a morning commute to watch the sunrise each day; the ability to travel and visit friends; a vocation that brings joy to my heart; and family that helps me along the way. Thanks be to God!

Hopeful | As I've journeyed through this year, there have been moments where I have given up hope in my circumstances. Just as everything seemed to be going 'alright', a storm swooped in to give me the reality check I needed. February 2015 marked the one-year anniversary of my mother's passing - remembering my mom's last few days feels like forever ago and yesterday all at the same time. It's one of those things that never goes away, but we learn to adapt. I see myself adapting, in small ways. Sometimes I wonder if I've just built up walls to stop myself from feeling so intensely. Then my mom's best friend, my godmother, goes through the exact same thing. She was taken to the hospital at the end of November and passed on December 1st. BOOM! All of those walls came down and I was left with a slew of emotions. I'm still sorting those out...it's kind of one of those situations where no matter how much you try to make sense of it all, you have to surrender to not knowing the why. In the midst of another hard, I am reminded of the hope I have in Jesus. And that one day, He will come and make ALL things new! He will restore that which is broken. He will wipe the tears from our eyes! He will heal and fill our hearts! And our souls will be satisfied! Completely by Him! I can't wait for that day! As I wait in hopeful anticipation, I desire to place my hope in the Rock of my salvation! Because all other ground is sinking sand. I can hope in money, success, relationships, appearances, but they will always...and I mean always fail! May I be anchored to the only One who will hold me secure, who will always keep His promises, and will fill my soul! My prayer is that I would hold fast to Him because He is God and not for his blessings!

Worshipful | One of my favorite authors released a book in October and magically it ended up delivered before that - God's timing, y'all! It is called, It's Not What You Think by Jefferson Bethke and it asks all the hard questions that really get to the core of what I believe. The chapter that I am currently on (I know, I'm a slow reader), is about the kingdom of God and how it isn't where we think. It isn't way up in the sky in the future, but it's here and now. When I say Jesus is my Savior and Lord, what does that mean? It means Jesus died in my place on the Cross which was the pure, perfect sacrifice needed to atone for my sin and the sins of all humanity once and for all AND He rose again on the third day, conquering death and making it possible for me to have a relationship with God. That's the Savior part. What about Lord? This part requires a surrender to the authority of said Lord, namely Christ. You can read the book for a much better explanation, but from here I draw the idea of worship. As I spent much of this year giving thanks and seeing many of the blessings God had given me, even when times were hard, I also saw that I began worshipping those things. See my previous post for more details on that. I want to worship the Creator and not the created. I'm so easily tempted to settle for second or third best. When I surrender to the authority of God, I allow His Kingdom to reign in my heart, mind, soul, and strength. I seek for my ways to become like His ways. This will require changes, some more challenging than others, but all for God to be greater. May my gaze be on the One who has the power to change me from the inside out. And I pray that as this next year unfolds, others could see more of God's power working in and through my life!

You, Lord, make ALL things new! Happy New Year, Everyone!

Coming Back to a Heart of Worship

It sure has been a while. My restless heart has been pursuing x, y, and z. This summer has been one of the best in a long time! I've laughed more, danced more, adventured more, and enjoyed more. But I've also valued those "more's" more than God at times. For example, I would hang out with friends later than I should and then be "too tired" to read my Bible or spend time in prayer. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't the act of doing those things that was going to make my relationship with God any stronger. The thing that had to change was my heart - and boy, my heart was stubborn. Temporary happiness seems so appealing at first glance, but is not sustaining in the long-run. As the summer moved along, my restless heart was growing weary. I hadn't lost relationship with God because Jesus secures my salvation, but I had lost fellowship with Him.

My heart sunk as I realized what I had done. I had made seemingly good things, idols. My mind was full of things - planning, appearances, popularity, attendance, busyness, etc. My meditations were not on the Lord. I had put these things before my God and I felt so ashamed. "How could I?!" And I prayed over a period of weeks, "Lord, I'm a Pharisee! Well, I mean, the Pharisee's didn't like to admit they were wrong, so maybe I'm kind of like a Pharisee, but anyway...I play the part. I do the stuff to appear to be in fellowship with You, but my heart isn't following suit with my actions...".

As I continued to confess, my restless heart was softened and filled with peace. I was reminded of God's mercy and His grace! Oh, how His grace is so amazing! He celebrates and rejoices when we come back to Him! He pours out His love for us!

This summer I kept asking how to follow God when things are good, because life circumstances had been so hard for so long. The answer was not to to chase after the good things, but to continue to spend time with God, give thanks for the good things and the not-so-good things, be constant in prayer, and rejoice!

The Lord continues to use children in my life to speak volumes. While I am holding and rocking and smiling and feeding and changing the little baby that I watch, I am reminded of dependancy. I am reminded that we aren't meant to do this life on our own. We are made by community, for community. We need the Lord and we need each other! May I, like a child, lay in the arms of my Father and know and trust that He knows what He is doing, He has my best interest in mind and that He will supply my every need, like manna in the desert! I try to be independent, but my heart needs me to slow down, enter into the presence of the Lord and find His fullness of joy! Because I have been saved by grace and changed by grace, I spend time with God - it's a natural outflow of the inward change happening in my heart!

I'm sure there will be times I mess this up again, but by God's grace, it won't be to the same degree. My experiences this summer will help me in the future, to come sooner to the throne of God and ask for forgiveness. I'm coming back to a heart of worship and that's what it's all about - God and giving Him the glory! May you draw near to Him and experience His goodness and grace!

This song has got me going: Joy! enjoy :)

and then...SPLAT!

you're walking down the street and then...SPLAT! you smack your face on the ground because you tripped over the silly block of sidewalk that is raised at a particular angle that you usually know to take an extra large step over, but well, today wasn't one of those days!

you're studying really hard for a really important test and then...RRRRING! you get a phone call that changes your life because someone you know and love is hurt or sick or dying. and there is nothing you can do, but go back to studying for that test...and somehow studying doesn't seem as important now.

you're driving along the road and then...CRASH! you are hit by another car. the simple trip to the grocery store turns into broken limbs, hospital visits, police reports, a wrecked car, and financial burdens. there is anger, shame, and hurt. and it all happened so fast!

although these things or some rendition of them can happen at any time in our lives, we still walk down the street, we still study and work hard to accomplish our goals, and we still travel places. we live in a broken place. we are people who make mistakes, fall ill, hurt, and die. but we are also people who can live!

as my church has been going through the book of James, i have been challenged to live a life worthy of the calling to which i have been given by God. the book directly addresses the topic of suffering twice. suffering is here. we are either in the midst of it, coming out of it, or about to enter it. it can come in heavy doses or small amounts. suffering isn't fun. it's hard. and it's painful. it brings things to the surface that we usually avoid. it changes us. it creates in us a deep, soul-desire for something greater. something better. something bigger than this mess. something that can make sense of it.

in my own suffering i continue to have to look outside myself for strength because my body, worn from grieving, cannot sustain itself. some days i want to curl up in a ball and try to wake up from the dream that is my reality. in my weakness, i have had to call upon the Lord, my rock and my strength, to give me what i need for the day, like manna in the desert.

it isn't easy, in my flesh i build walls to protect myself. because some days answering a simple question of 'how are you doing?' is too hard. and i don't want to be a mess in front of people all the time. i want to appear like i've got it all together, but do any of us, really? we are just walking and learning as we go!

what i've been learning recently is that even if life is hard, HOPE is real. when the trials of this life knock us to the ground, that's where we need to be. we need to realize that we can't do this life without Him! the only One who has the power and the might to deliver us from death to life! the only One who reaches His hands down to pick up our faces so that we can look up and see His goodness in the midst of the hard.

and Heaven is real. no, i haven't been there. but i trust that the story of the Bible is true because God is the Author of it. and i have read the Bible and know that that place is my one, true home! originally Adam and Eve lived in paradise. everything was perfect. but one day, everything changed. trust was broken. lies were told. sin/brokenness entered the picture and since then God has been working to restore relationships, bring unity back to His people, etc. the Bible ends with that restoration. the place where there will be no more tears, pain, suffering. the place where we will be with God forever and worship Him for more hours than we can imagine. now, that's hope in a broken world. that there is a God who loved us enough to rescue us. to send His only Son, Jesus, to endure the eternal punishment we deserve. what MERCY. that He would withhold punishment to His children when they acknowledge Jesus as their Savior. and what GRACE. that He continues to rescue us even when we continue to try to do this life on our own. but not just rescue us, He gives us more. He blesses us abundantly. so in my weakness, His character is true. He is strong. He is love. He is powerful. He is good. He is gracious. He is merciful. He restores. He revives. He brings death to life. He brings beauty out of ashes. I could go on and on about the perfect character of my loving God.

Life knocks us down...SPLAT...but God picks us up, carries us, gives us the strength to walk again and one day He will takes us home! there is HOPE! so keep walking in Him!

when flesh fails...

it was this night one year ago that i heard the words that would completely change my life..."there is nothing else we can do."

these being the words of the doctors as we sat in stiff hospital chairs beside our mom. my sister and my blank stares transitioned slowly into eyes filled with tears as the reality that was about to unfold grew clearer. in the following minutes, indescribable sounds bellowed out of our bodies. and the woman, who herself was slowly losing her ability to breathe, encouraged us to take deep breaths. our bodies crippled, not being able to withstand the weight of the phrase.

they said six to ten weeks, so with my mom's type A personality, she quickly transitioned into planning her funeral. i scribbled things down - my body operating the pen, my brain still trying to understand what was going to happen, my eyebrows furrowed. so many questions flooded my mind - how did we get to this point? and what were we going to do?

it was six...days. just six. as i would count with Addie: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6...and there was no way to know it would happen that fast. only the Lord knows the day and the hour in which we will depart from the earth.

---

one year later, all the flowers have died and the sympathy cards have ceased delivery. yet, the tears still flow. and boy, do they flow. because i lost my mom, my best friend, the person i shared everything with and my biggest supporter. life is simply different. life is forever changed.

and no one can completely understand. no other person had the same relationship that i had with my mom. and that is why i lean into the Lord. because He knows my heart. He knows my needs. He knows the depth of my pain. the Lord says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. in this world you will have trouble. but take heart! i have overcome the world." therefore, i take heart and wait! whether it is waiting for that text message that i will never receive from her in the morning or waiting with hope in faith for a reunion with my momma in heaven, i wait! and while i wait, i lean into the arms of the Father of all comfort, as He holds me, keeps me, wipes my tears and gives me strength to make it through the day.

this year has been unlike anything i could have imagined. my heart has ached more deeply than i ever thought humanly possible and i have also seen the Lord do amazing things! i think of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane (Mark 14:34-36) 'yet not what i will, but what You will.' He experienced great sorrow and also great joy because He knew that what He would have to endure on the Cross would be extremely difficult, but it was for a greater purpose! and the glory that was going to be revealed - the saving of all repentant sinners - was worth it! if it was up to me and my will, my mom would still be here, but clearly, God is in control and He has different plans. and again i wait, but instead of waiting to know and understand His plans, i wait for the next step. instead of being able to understand all the whys? and the hows? and getting God to do things my way, i seek to know Him more. the Lord has given me great rest in His presence.

i think back to those questions i had - how did we get to this point? and what were we going to do? - and i realize that although there may be some practical answers to these questions, the Lord echoes His truth to my soul! He knew this was going to happen and not only did He know, but He was in the midst of it. He brought people around us to support us, He walked alongside us, allowing us to make big decisions, and He faithfully supplies our every need.

praise God, from whom all blessings flow! although my circumstances permit sorrow, Jesus has overcome the world and in Him, i am able to find love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. and for that i am grateful! when my flesh and my heart fail, God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever!

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Stephen Curtis Chapman's cd, Beauty Will Rise, has been an encouragement and blessing in this last year! The cd progression is a beautiful journey through grieving. It speaks so much truth and hope into the hopelessness of loss and the pain of suffering. This cd has sometimes spoken the feelings my heart doesn't know how to describe. Indeed:

"It was the day the world went wrong
I screamed till my voice was gone
And watched through the tears
As everything came crashing down

Slowly panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains
And sift through the ashes
That are left behind

But buried deep beneath all our broken dreams
We have this hope

Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise!
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise!
For we know joy is coming
In the morning

In the morning
Beauty will rise!

So take another breath for now
And let the tears come washing down
And if you can't believe
I will believe for you

'Cause I have seen the signs of spring
Just watch and see

Out of these ashes,
Beauty will rise!
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes

Out os this darkness
New life will shine
And we'll know joy is coming in the morning

In the morning,
I can hear it in the distance
And it's not too far away
It's the music
And the laughter of a wedding and a feast

I can almost feel the hand of God
Reaching for my face to wipe the tears away
You say, "It's time to make everything new
Making it all new"

This is our hope!
This is a promise!
This is our hope!
This is a promise!

It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that's been made
Out of the ashes
Out of the ashes

It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that He's made
Out of the ashes
Out of the ashes
Out of the ashes