remembering that God is in control.

it was a year ago today that i checked my phone after a long night of Cru and homework and with one worksheet left to do. the time was about 11pm. i had about 4 missed calls from my mom and a few texts. all saying something along the lines of "call me when you get this!"

deep in my heart i knew it wasn't going to be good news. before i called, i wrote down a few things i feel like God inspired me to write because i would need to be reminded of them again and again.

my prayer:
"Jesus, I don't know what is wrong with my mom, but I do know that You are sovereign. You are showing me that "ALL other ground is sinking sand." Jesus, hold me in Your arms and remind me that I need to cling to You! In Jesus' name I pray for healing for my mom! Amen."

as my hand shook, i pressed the phone icon on my screen. my heart was beating so fast, the anxious anticipation of what she would say flooded my mind and my thoughts zig-zagged every which way. and then it came, the words that were choked out..."I...have...cancer." and my heart plunged to the depth of my being, farther than i ever thought possible. tears streamed down my face and our sobs became a symphony for Satan. while the rest of our conversation etched the details of what the next few days would look like, i scribbled a few things my mom said on that same paper i had written my prayer.

she said:
"It's meant to be, it's meant to be!"
"Take deep breath!"
"I will do my best and you know it, but if something does happen, I couldn't fight anymore."

these words echo our desires to be alive and live with the people we love. they echo the reality that we will all die at some point and reflect the hope that God has a purpose for it all and God is in control.

amidst the crippling sobs of my heart, i knew i just had to take a deep breath and trust God's plan. today, i remember that God is in control. even when i walk through the mall crying because i see a snowman decoration i know my mom would have bought even though she had so many. even when the rain in falling into snow. even when the sun is shining. even when my heart feels like it is going to explode from grief. because God is powerful! He is the ruler and the Almighty King of the kingdom that will have no end! what Satan intends for evil, God uses for good! so i won't allow Satan the power to use my tears to destroy, but i will lay my tears at the foot of the Cross and bow down before my Creator God and trust that the God who put the stars in the sky and knows the number of hairs on my head is in control!

He allows me to live with peace in my soul even with tears in my eyes. because Jesus made a way for us to live with God forever. this world is broken. we are broken and sinful. we say and think mean things, we lie and cheat and steal. but God didn't want to leave us in our pain and suffering. He came to our rescue. He died on the Cross to defeat death and give life. my responsibility is giving up control to Him and trusting Him each step of the way.

that is what it means to walk by faith:

"For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:17-18

Beauty in the ashes

I'm a few days late, but the story is still so significant! Three years ago on September 26th, the Lord plunged into my broken heart. Through a series of unfortunate events, the Lord finally was real to me. Not just the God way up there who's moving chess pieces and doesn't really care. For the first time, I realized that God wasn't far away - He was right there with me. He wasn't moving chess pieces, He was trying to get my attention. I would have said I noticed God and I knew that He existed, but I hadn't realized until this day in 2011 that God knew me, He created me for a purpose far beyond my greatest dreams, and that He wanted me to know Him and proclaim Him to the world!

But there was a problem, I was separated from Him. A giant gulf stood between me and Him. I thought God was far away because He chose to be, but it was really that He seemed far away because of the choices I made that weren't in line with God's standards. It's called sin and it's anything that is against God. I used to think only the 'bad' sins would separate me from God, but all sins separate me from Him. Whether it is stealing, murder, lying, cheating, gossiping, swearing, drinking excessively, it is sin. Because of my sin, God seemed far off, I felt like I was being punished daily simply for existing. My sin deserves punishment but God loves His people. Although the sin separates me from Him, He still loves me and pursues me in an unfathomable way! I deserve death and separation from Him because I continuously choose to be disobedient to Him. I live selfishly, I pursue material things and riches that will vanish when I die. Apart from God, that's all I can do, that's all I know how to do - that's my nature. In my nature, there is no way to get to God. I tried doing good things, making a routine trip to church each week, but it was like I kept jumping into the gulf thinking maybe this time I'll make it across only to fall short and climb back to my side to conjure up a plan to try to get across again. "What do I have to do?" I would ask God exhaustedly and for 20 years I never heard a response.

But in the darkness of my circumstances, I saw the brilliant light of God's love in the Cross of Jesus Christ. For so long, I had thought that the story of Jesus was that - just a story. Late one night, God revealed His power and purpose for the Cross. Jesus came to earth to live the perfect life and to be the perfect sacrifice that so many people were waiting for. Instead of the death I deserved, Jesus took my sin at the Cross and made a way for all to know Him, including me. When I saw God clearly taking active steps to reach His people, the love He had for me was beyond my comprehension. He was intentional, caring, and went above and beyond what anyone could do.

I heard God's response, not audibly, but for the first time it was clear that God did this for me. He said,

"I love you so much and I have a great plan for your life. Because I love you I sent Jesus to earth for your mistakes and all the horrible things you've done against me. I hate those things, but I love you. You keep trying to reach me through extravagant measures, but they mean nothing to me. When you ask me what you have to do to get to me, you fill your head with false ideas that doing more will make you look better and I'll be more forgiving, but the truth is, all you need to do is come to me in faith, with arms wide open. I've made a way, through Jesus to get here. There's now a giant bridge to connect you to Me, but it's because I came to you. Now, the choice is yours, keep trying to reach Me on your own or walk the path that Jesus has made. If you choose the path of your own works, it will end in destruction and you will not find me, but when you follow Jesus, you will find life forever with me. And this life forever with me doesn't just start when you leave this earthly place in death, but it begins right when you choose that path. You can experience life here on earth and share that experience with others. I will never leave you nor forsake you, ever! What are you going to do?"

Being confronted with this decision, I realized I was looking to get myself across, but what I needed was the Cross of Jesus. I bowed my head and talked to God and expressed that I needed Him! I couldn't do this life on my own. He was the only way to experience life. I thanked Jesus for making that way for me to be able to know God and I thanked Him for His friendship. I asked God to continue to make Himself known to me. I ended with a simple, "Amen."

In that moment, I felt the weight of my burdens and sin lift off my shoulders and Jesus whisper the truths that He took care of these things at the Cross. When He said, "It is finished," He accomplished what none of us can. He restored all of humanity to the Father. Now, those who call upon the name of Jesus will be saved. They will be saved eternally and also find refuge in the Lord as He walks with them in this crazy world.

I'd love to be able to say that since that day three years ago life has been great, but it hasn't. Honestly, at times it feels harder. Just as the light seems brighter in darkness, the darkness feels worse with the awareness of light.

Death just doesn't seem right, ever and it shouldn't because it was never part of how God created it to be. But it is a reality in this world that we must face and experience. Apart from God, I don't know exactly where I would be today. I'm assuming that I would feel hopeless, purposeless, scared and afraid. But with God, I am able to find beauty in the ashes. I am able to confidently proclaim that even though my heart aches to a greater degree than I ever thought possible, God is working all things, even horrible, unanticipated deaths, for good. He passionately pursues His children to come back to Him and see what they were made for. He is for us and not against us. He changed everything when He went to the Cross. When the world beat up, abused, and spit on Him, He said, "Forgive them - they know not what they do." When the world said death, He rose and gave life!

He turned the world upside down or right side up. All of these things seem backwards in our society but God is trying to bring things back to the way they should be.

I can't say I understand why I only got 22 years with my mom or why she only got 45 years on this earth and I can't say I ever will understand. I could ask why forever or I could see this circumstance with God's eyes. I could allow God to use me and this story to reach His people and bring them back to Himself. I can say these things and know that He has, is, and will continue to use this for His glory! Because the purpose of life is not to make a better image for oneself but to be who God created  you to be, which brings glory to God and demonstrates that love conquers evil. In the end, love is all that matters. And God is love. <3

The Woman

The depth of this pain seems to have no end;
it's so hard to go through life without my best friend.

The woman who carried me for nine months and brought me into this world
and who nurtured me and into whose arms I curled.
The woman who taught me how to read and write
and would tucked me in to say goodnight.
The woman who encouraged me to do my best
and always quizzed me for that spelling test.
The woman who wanted me to have big dreams
and signed me up for all of those rec sports teams.

The woman who survived a terrible disease
and taught me that in this life there are no guarantees.
The woman who helped push me to get a job
and who would sit with me for hours as I sob.
The woman who had to grab the steering wheel when I was learning to drive
so that the neighborhood mailboxes would survive.

The woman who made the most intentional gifts
and was always shopping for those clearance store thrifts.
The woman who always rearranged the living room
and who taught me how to use a broom.
The woman who was sad that I had to leave for school
but knew that I would be back for the summer to sit by the pool.
The woman who bought me groceries when I couldn't
and listened to me when everyone else wouldn't.
The woman who called late one night
to say she had to get ready for another fight.

The woman whose hospital bed I sat on like a small child
and who looked at me through tears and smiled.
The woman who prayed with me
and who wished to be cancer-free.
The woman who was willing to fight
but her lungs were too tight.
The woman who joked and laughed and tried to have fun,
even as she knew it was the end of her run.
The woman who comforted me in each wail
and even when she couldn't, reminded me to exhale.
The woman whose hand I held that last night,
and who would never again see the summer light.

The woman whose habits I have acquired
and whose life has left me inspired.
The woman who I remember every time I look in the mirror
and whose memory I never want to disappear.
The woman who helped me become who I am today
and whose absence will never be okay.

The woman who would not want me to be so sad
and would remind me of the memories we had
The woman who would say that it happened for a reason
and would remind me that this is a new season.
The woman who would want me to press on
and see the hope in the coming dawn.

"Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5b

take me deeper

when i pray, "Lord, take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, that my faith would be made stronger, in the Presence of my Savior" i can honestly say that it is terrifying. going deeper exposes my sin, my anxieties, my weakness, and all the things i try to keep hidden. the things that make me mere man.

taking attendance

there aren't really words. there aren't words that can make the pain go away. the pain just hurts, it cuts deep. deep into your heart. deep into your soul. part of you is gone. a large part of you will forever be missing. absent. you have lost someone. and that someone can never be replaced.

i can't say that i totally understand your situation. but this is where i was.

i walked through three of the hardest weeks of my life at each step not knowing what was next.

when my mom was diagnosed with cancer again, i knew cancer would be the end for her. what i didn't know was how quickly it would claim her life.

i struggled so much with the initial diagnosis. seven years prior she had been diagnosed and treated for breast cancer. i was in high school and able to spend a lot of my time caring for her at home. when i found out she had cancer again, i wished that i could be there to help her as i had been able to do in the past. but being a full-time student claimed a lot of my time. i started by spending my weekends at home watching my sister play basketball and visiting with my mom. those times were sweet, full of lots of tears and moments i will never forget.

He carries me.

today is one of those days, a chapter closes and you are ready to start the next one, but not sure what is on the next page. you hesitate to flip the page.

my face is tear stained as i pour my heart out to the Lord. my heart is so heavy, but God carries it. He carries me.

space - the continuous area that is unoccupied

i'd be lying if i said i was okay. i don't like this. not one bit. i've never felt a larger hole in my heart. a gigantic absence. this space that can't be filled by another human being. a mom-hole that was only allowed twenty-two years of memories. memories that are so hard to remember in the midst of this deep pain and sorrow. every new memory or let-down is a reminder that she isn't here to share it with me. and i can't pick up the phone and talk to her or listen to her detail the most current events.

how i long to see her beautiful face, shining smile, and wrap my arms around her! how i wish i could have one of her homemade meals, fish fry was our fav, or wake up to a freshly prepared breakfast. my heart sinks thinking i won't be able to hear her giggle and hear her say in her little kid voice that she went to the library to read a book. how i wish she could encourage me to keep going, to keep pursuing my dreams.

she always knew how to make me smile, even when i was feeling my worst. no one else on this earth cared for me the way she did. i could call her any time of the day and she would listen, offer a few words of advice and not expect me to change. she just wanted me to be me. my mom w...is my best friend. it's hard to think about her in the past tense, as if what was once so vibrant and alive is now just...dust.

...and sometimes the place doesn't look so pretty

where You go, I'll go, Lord! this is a promise. i will go where the Lord takes me, whether I like it or not. and today's journey is no different. today i walk through the valley of the shadow of death. today my heart breaks as my soul smiles. today, emotion seems to take over. today, God is and always will be in control.

I have these contradictory feelings. On one hand, I am immersed in sorrow in losing my mom, but on the other hand, I am filled with abundant joy that my Savior has defeated death and brought us new life.