these being the words of the doctors as we sat in stiff hospital chairs beside our mom. my sister and my blank stares transitioned slowly into eyes filled with tears as the reality that was about to unfold grew clearer. in the following minutes, indescribable sounds bellowed out of our bodies. and the woman, who herself was slowly losing her ability to breathe, encouraged us to take deep breaths. our bodies crippled, not being able to withstand the weight of the phrase.
they said six to ten weeks, so with my mom's type A personality, she quickly transitioned into planning her funeral. i scribbled things down - my body operating the pen, my brain still trying to understand what was going to happen, my eyebrows furrowed. so many questions flooded my mind - how did we get to this point? and what were we going to do?
it was six...days. just six. as i would count with Addie: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6...and there was no way to know it would happen that fast. only the Lord knows the day and the hour in which we will depart from the earth.
---
one year later, all the flowers have died and the sympathy cards have ceased delivery. yet, the tears still flow. and boy, do they flow. because i lost my mom, my best friend, the person i shared everything with and my biggest supporter. life is simply different. life is forever changed.
and no one can completely understand. no other person had the same relationship that i had with my mom. and that is why i lean into the Lord. because He knows my heart. He knows my needs. He knows the depth of my pain. the Lord says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. in this world you will have trouble. but take heart! i have overcome the world." therefore, i take heart and wait! whether it is waiting for that text message that i will never receive from her in the morning or waiting with hope in faith for a reunion with my momma in heaven, i wait! and while i wait, i lean into the arms of the Father of all comfort, as He holds me, keeps me, wipes my tears and gives me strength to make it through the day.
this year has been unlike anything i could have imagined. my heart has ached more deeply than i ever thought humanly possible and i have also seen the Lord do amazing things! i think of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane (Mark 14:34-36) 'yet not what i will, but what You will.' He experienced great sorrow and also great joy because He knew that what He would have to endure on the Cross would be extremely difficult, but it was for a greater purpose! and the glory that was going to be revealed - the saving of all repentant sinners - was worth it! if it was up to me and my will, my mom would still be here, but clearly, God is in control and He has different plans. and again i wait, but instead of waiting to know and understand His plans, i wait for the next step. instead of being able to understand all the whys? and the hows? and getting God to do things my way, i seek to know Him more. the Lord has given me great rest in His presence.
i think back to those questions i had - how did we get to this point? and what were we going to do? - and i realize that although there may be some practical answers to these questions, the Lord echoes His truth to my soul! He knew this was going to happen and not only did He know, but He was in the midst of it. He brought people around us to support us, He walked alongside us, allowing us to make big decisions, and He faithfully supplies our every need.
praise God, from whom all blessings flow! although my circumstances permit sorrow, Jesus has overcome the world and in Him, i am able to find love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. and for that i am grateful! when my flesh and my heart fail, God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever!---
Stephen Curtis Chapman's cd, Beauty Will Rise, has been an encouragement and blessing in this last year! The cd progression is a beautiful journey through grieving. It speaks so much truth and hope into the hopelessness of loss and the pain of suffering. This cd has sometimes spoken the feelings my heart doesn't know how to describe. Indeed:
"It was the day the world went wrong
I screamed till my voice was gone
And watched through the tears
As everything came crashing down
Slowly panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains
And sift through the ashes
That are left behind
But buried deep beneath all our broken dreams
We have this hope
Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise!
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise!
For we know joy is coming
In the morning
In the morning
Beauty will rise!
So take another breath for now
And let the tears come washing down
And if you can't believe
I will believe for you
'Cause I have seen the signs of spring
Just watch and see
Out of these ashes,
Beauty will rise!
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out os this darkness
New life will shine
And we'll know joy is coming in the morning
In the morning,
I can hear it in the distance
And it's not too far away
It's the music
And the laughter of a wedding and a feast
I can almost feel the hand of God
Reaching for my face to wipe the tears away
You say, "It's time to make everything new
Making it all new"
This is our hope!
This is a promise!
This is our hope!
This is a promise!
It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that's been made
Out of the ashes
Out of the ashes
It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that He's made
Out of the ashes
Out of the ashes
Out of the ashes
