Good Grief

Grief.

As you read that there is probably something that stirs within you. Either you know the journey or you've heard of it. But very few have the courage to talk about it. 

Grief is uncomfortable and painful and unscripted. It pushes you to places you never thought possible. Our culture tells us that grief is for the weak. Or that grief is for a week. We want so badly, let me say that again, SO BADLY, to be over our grief. 

This couldn't be more clearly on display than in the world right now. The Coronavirus took the US by storm about a year ago. In our individualist culture, where we value ourselves over others, residents bought out supplies of toilet paper and other products to make sure that they could provide for themselves. We built towers of goods to try to help us feel safe and secure. Few considered these things outside their immediate household or families. Stores changed their distributing tactics and the issue resolved over time. We push for vaccines and re-openings. Fighting this disease is a group effort. It's like a group project in school where you all are assigned a role, but this time the A-student cannot do all the work and give you credit. All of us have to work together, but we have our own agendas. We want to be done with this, but we don't want to change. We want to move on, but the situation isn't improving. We are desperate for peace in the chaos.

It has been a wild year. I do not want to neglect those who have been selfless and sacrificed so much for others. I do not want to diminish the real depth of emotion that 2020 and COVID-19 have conjured up in us as humans and as a community. Instead, I want to encourage you to go to the depths of the losses you've experienced in the last year and allow yourselves to feel. 

I've seen many people clamoring for a return to normalcy, clinging to the truth that when everything returns to normal things will be okay. However, one of the first things I learned in my grief journey was that things would never return to "normal". I'd have to establish a new normal that accounted for, and as I'd later learn, gave honor to the deaths of the past. We can try so hard to stuff or ignore our feelings, pretend things are okay, try to move on, but as a recent Upside Down podcast told me - the dirty dish pile just grows and grows until you take the time to clean each one and give it it's place. Our life experiences shape who we are and who we become whether we like them or not. 

What would it cost you to start or continue grieving? 

What do you have to lose? 

What do you have to gain?

I ask these questions because it is ultimately your choice. You get to decide whether you'll take the first step and then the second and so on. 

How to start: 

• Name the losses you've experienced in the last year  
• Describe what you miss most
• Describe what feelings come up inside you as you document these things

Grief is natural and necessary journey. It's how we respond to losses of all shapes and sizes. It's through grief that we learn to allow ourselves and those around us the freedom to be who we need to be, even if that means going to the middle of nowhere and screaming in anger or filling a bucket with tears as you let the sorrow flow. It's here that we learn that emotions are not weakness, but strength. Our physical bodies are calling out for us to process our emotions. We need to be fully human more than we even know. 

Let us be gracious with each other as we lean into these dark places and explore what they really tell us about ourselves. Grief is for the long-haul - there is no magic formula or timeline to simplify it. It is different for every single person. I find that absolutely amazing. Just think how much we could learn from each other if we shared these things with one another. I'm sure I'd feel a lot more comfortable sharing my own struggles. Life is precious so let's choose to be who we were made to be and by doing so, allow others to be their authentic selves. 

"Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5b

*Non-specific details used from my participation in GriefShare program and their curriculum along with StoryWork curriculum and Psychology degree.

what ten years of living in Milwaukee has taught me about loving my neighbors

I attempted to write this post two weeks ago, but in the wake of the shooting of Jacob Blake I could not put into words what I was trying to say without emotions taking over. It's been weeks of processing, having hard conversations and being asked to not engage in conversations. Today, I write because my journey to and in Milwaukee is one that I need to share.

About ten years ago, I made the short move from Waukesha, WI to Milwaukee, WI to attend Marquette University. Many of my friends traveled farther than eighteen miles for college, but for me this move was bigger than distance. Growing up in the suburbs, I had become accustomed to engaging with people who predominantly looked like me and talked like me. On the few trips into the city for sporting events, the people sleeping under the interstate invoked deep questions and thoughts within me, even as a child. "That's not right," I'd think as sadness swelled.

The choice to attend Marquette was met with some resistance. Why attend a private school? It's so expensive. It's too close to home. However, on a trip to the Bradley Center a few years before, I vividly remember driving down Wisconsin Avenue and asking my dad what the buildings were on either side of 16th Street. "This is Marquette University. This is where people go to college," my Dad revealed. "I'm going to go here. I'm going to go here," I said as we passed what I'd later call the AMU. At that point in time, I didn't fully know the process of applying to colleges and even though I was resolved to go to Marquette and Marquette alone, well meaning individuals said I should apply other places too. Just in case, they said. But I knew deep down this is where I'd be. Against the grain, I only applied to one school.

That moment is a moment I look back on with such awe. I had such faith in myself to make that dream come true. And it did. My caravan of moving cars traversed through a highway exit I had never taken and quickly I felt a tug in my heart as I read the sign of a man standing on the median. This felt similar to the feeling I had seeing individuals with mattresses under bridges as a kid, but now I was an adult and this was my new home. How was I to reconcile my life to the lives of people who were my new neighbors?! This questions is still something I consider almost daily.

I had decided to pursue Criminology & Law Studies and Psychology. I wanted to become a lawyer and defend the law. I attended my first Pre-Law meeting a few weeks into the school year. I sat with like-minded students and quickly realized the rigor recommended to prepare for Law School was intense. I began my undergraduate studies and tried my hardest to keep my GPA above a 3.8 in order to be considered for Marquette Law. I plugged away at classes - pulling all-nighters despite warnings. I was trying so hard to get the grades I thought I needed. When that semester ended, I was crushed. In one of my classes I had not gotten an A which meant my GPA was under 3.8. It shouldn't have been that devastating, but to a woman who built her whole life on academic excellence, this was simply unacceptable. It was perfect or failure. And this was failure.

Simultaneously, I decided to explore my faith. I had grown up learning about God, but hadn't regularly attended church services since I was young. As an adult, I wanted to change that. I returned to church, took theology classes, and began reading the Bible. I wanted to know God, but I didn't know how. I tried and tried, but it didn't seem to be working. I was learning, yes, but my life didn't look different. I still had a longing that was unmet. 

It was during the beginning of my sophomore year that I hit a really low point in life. I had become somewhat of a mediator between my parents, my grades were continuing to not be perfect, I couldn't get a loan to live on campus and then my car broke down. I was wrecked. My circumstances had failed me.

But life continues. One of my classes at Marquette required me to volunteer in the city to gain exposure to the broader Milwaukee community. I was at first apprehensive. I did not know what to expect, but I am a rule follower and knew I had to do it. I began my semester volunteering with an organization that helps released prisoners find employment, housing, and resources to reenter society and be a law abiding citizen. I loved this idea! I was thrilled to help. However, I quickly realized there were many barriers. The organization only had four people on staff. A released individual would come in one day and then it would be impossible to follow up because their phone number changed or they fell off the map. With the few that we were able to work with more consistently, it was devastating to hear about the denials for employment or the countless applications that just hung in the air because of that "have you ever committed a felony" question. Why couldn't they have a second chance? Why does one thing become the only thing that defines a person? How far away am I from being in this position? If I were to make a mistake or be in the wrong place at the wrong time, I could be right here - struggling to climb out of the system that punishes crime (for good reason in some cases) but does not truly release the incarcerated.

I had always thought I could fix things in my own life and maybe that would translate to those around me. That if I just tried hard enough everything would be alright. But through life experiences I learned that even if I tried hard, it didn't always work out. That left me with a dilemma. How do I reconcile my effort with the brokenness I am experiencing and see? If God is good, then why do bad things continue to happen?

I had so many questions. I wanted restoration. I wanted shalom. I wanted peace in this crazy world. I wanted something that wouldn't fail me. 

I found it in Jesus! 

My whole life I knew God was real, but He became real to me on a September night. Almost suddenly, I learned that God loved me and had this beautiful plan of shalom and peace. Sin or anything that's against God had banned me from God's beautiful design. We, as humans, are separated from God because God is holy and cannot be near impure or unclean things. Originally, God created an atonement or payment process to get back into right standing with God. A priest would offer animal blood sacrifices for sin after sin after sin. Individuals were momentarily in right standing with God, but sin prevailed. This process was meant to make us realize our need for someone greater than a priest to restore us back to God. It was a shadow of what was to come in Jesus. 

Jesus Christ, who is fully God, gave up the comforts of heaven to be born as a baby in a manger. He walked this earth reflecting God to the world and ultimately made the once-for-all atonement for sin. His death on the Cross was the blood sacrifice that paid for my sin - past, present, and future and can pay for yours. He was buried. Yet after three days, Jesus rose from the dead and ascended to heaven to be seated at the righthand of God the Father. Jesus is the Perfecter of our faith. He provides the way for restoration, shalom and peace!

That night I quietly cried and told God that this is what I had been searching for all these years. This was the perfection that my inward being sought after in other things but was never satisfied. I had tried and tried in my own strength to accomplish perfection in circumstances, but my efforts failed. I needed God. I needed to be restored to God. I couldn't do it anymore on my own. I needed help. I turned to God and committed to learning to live for the purposes He has for me. He created and fashioned me in His image to be a reflector of restoration, shalom, and peace to the broken and unrestored world. 

When I began walking with God and learning more about who He is, I began to see the world differently. Rather quickly, I began to see people as more than just a title or a person passing along down the street. I realized everyone has a story and is yearning for belonging. I loved what I had been studying in school, but my direction had shifted from wanting to be a lawyer to wanting to love my neighbor as myself. I finally saw the politics within the criminal justice system and could not dedicate myself to it's purposes.

God gave me compassion for others and the patience to listen to others' stories. I had the opportunity to do prison ministry and visited women who were in maximum security in Seattle, WA. As they shared their stories about murdering people, I saw them as more than just their crime. They were people. People with feelings and thoughts and families and aspirations. One woman read us poems she had written. I realized that although she was in chains physically, she was more authentic and felt more freedom in sharing her experiences than many do in society. Many knew their forgiveness was secure in God, even if they were not forgiven by the world.

After that summer, I resolved to find a way to serve in inner city Milwaukee. This lead me to a place where I came face to face with the reality of racism in my own heart. On my first trip via the Milwaukee County Transit System, I remember having all of these feelings regarding how outnumbered I felt visually and how unsure I was of my safety. I packed a bag of my materials, but had chosen to use one that was plain and wouldn't attract attention. I chose my seat at the back of the bus and tried not to engage with anyone. I felt the fear rise up within me. As I waited for my transfer bus, I remember clutching my bag tightly and looking over my shoulder incessantly. When I arrived, I was surprised to find someone who's complexion was different than what I had presumed based on my own stereotypes. I needed to confess my prejudices and humble myself. I had operated out of fear. I had considered people with more melanin to be dangerous without even a hello. It's appalling! My heart breaks thinking about these things and how my brain was trained to function. I call out to God and ask Him to forgive me the sin of racism and to transform my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

I taught a class on forgiveness one night a week. Rather, I facilitated a discussion where we talked about challenging relationships, past hurts, pain, systemic injustice, brokenness, physical barriers, and difficulties trusting God. One night, a muscular man who had just been released from prison shared, "forgiveness is hard." He then turned to me and asked, "how do you forgive?" It was in that moment and the discussion that followed where I tangibly saw people as made in God's image. He created us to love and serve and live in a way that is countercultural. Forgiveness has been extended to us in Jesus and we are called to forgive others seventy times seven (Matt 18:22).

After college, I chose to remain in the city of Milwaukee. As I asked God to lead me to people and places, I found myself in various neighborhoods across the city - in schools, playing basketball, building patios, praying for needs, and worshipping. It is a privilege to see God at work in the city of Milwaukee. 

I have hope for Milwaukee. It may not be in my lifetime, but I see God bringing people together from various backgrounds, values, cultures, and races. I see unity. I will continue to ask God to give me eyes to see people as He sees them, to love people with His love, and to help me live out who He made me to be in the context of the community He has me in presently. This work is challenging at times, exhausting, filled with mistakes, but I'd rather imperfectly engage than miss out on relationships.

God has given me a second chance and it has been filled with a joy I can't explain and a peace I cannot understand.

In Christ you are offered that second chance too! It's your choice to follow Him. I pray that you would love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength; and love your neighbor as yourself (Mark 12:30-31). Can we offer that second chance to those around us? Instead of judging people based on their skin color or job title or relationship status, may we extend grace and shower people in love. Imagine with me how different our world could be if we chose to see beyond the surface.

Today, we find ourselves in tension-filled spaces, filled with brokenness and division. When I look around, I don't see what God intended. As people of God, may we seek to reflect back to this broken world the restoration, shalom, and peace of God. Systems have and will fail. Political parties have and will fail. Our efforts to fix it have and will fail. Racism has and will run rampant. 

This is not cause to give up on systemic reform, nor is it a reason to not vote. This means we tirelessly labor towards God and His purposes - empowering people made in God's image to be restored to the Father primarily, but then to be loved by their neighbor within communities, systems, structures, policies, laws, etc.

May God continue to reveal more of who He is and who we are to be in spite of Him. And may we be humble enough to admit our mistakes and walk in the direction of peace.

        

  

when the answers are not clear

Grief is a crazy, confusing process. It remains present while the rest of your life is going on as usual. Sometimes it intermingles with the functions of your every day. Sometimes it isn't as noticeable. Slowly over time, a new normal is established. This can take years.

About one year ago, I began the search for a new job. It wasn't that I didn't like what I did, quite the opposite, but it was that logistics were becoming difficult and I finally pictured myself capable of stepping into something new after experiencing a loss. As I sent in applications for positions that I thought would be a good fit for me, I was met with closed doors. The door that continued to remain open was one in nannying. For the past three years I have literally loved caring for the kiddos I've had the privilege of watching and partnering with parents to help their children grow. I have built relationships with kids, moms, families, nannies, librarians, etc. that add meaning and fun to each day. I have seen God work in more ways than I can count and teach me so much about His character through the dependence of children on the one who supplies their needs. I love it! The Lord has provided for me abundantly and as I look back over the years I am awestruck by His tender love and patience with me.

Throughout the last three years I have asked God for answers to questions like, "How did I end up here doing what I do? I'm not in the motherhood stage of life, yet I interact and fill in for mom with children who are not my own. It doesn't make sense. Am I using nannying to fill my dream of being a mom someday? Are You giving me space and time to heal and grieve? How will I use my college degree? Am I held back by grief? Am I ready for something new? Am I ever 'ready'?". These answers may never be clear. But I am okay with that. It is healthy to lay those things down before my Creator and say "help me to understand". But I will not allow myself to be paralyzed by the need for answers. I will step in the confidence of my God - He has been faithful, is faithful, and will be faithful forever and ever.

As months went by of continuing to reach out and apply for jobs that fit my criteria (I may be picky, but I know myself well), I began to see a tension building between two passions of mine. I was offered an administrative position at a Christian school in the inner city of Milwaukee. I love this city and these people. I believe there is so much to learn and so much reconciliation to be had. I have hope for this city that is among the worst in the country! Many of my dreams during college involved working in the inner city and helping those who most people deem unworthy.

Simultaneously, my flesh longs for familiar and comfortable. I want to know what to expect and be able to prepare myself. Nannying has been the heartbeat of my weekdays for years and I love almost every minute of it! How amazing is that - to love your job each day? Thank you, Lord! The strain between these two was so intense - two dreams, very different, and they both can't be my vocation. At least not yet or maybe not ever, but I will lay my dreams of being a career nanny, being a mom, running a daycare or an activity center for moms and kids down at Jesus' feet and say, "Thy will be done". I will lay my hopes and expectations for working in a Milwaukee school down at the foot of the Cross and say, "have Your way in me".

This is my current understanding of my circumstances as they relate to the greater story God is writing. I don't know that each of the decisions I've made is the correct one, but I know that God forgives and will lead me as I continue to yield to His plans for my life. I have been richly blessed by this summer's sermon series at my church which have spoken directly to my circumstances. I know that it is not by accident or coincidence, but that He knows me well and supplies my needs.

When my plans fail, I can feel down, but God's plan has always been in motion. I may not be able to see the bigger picture, but He is working, in my joy and in my pain. And when I look at it that way, with His eyes to see things more clearly, my circumstances point me to a greater hope in Christ and the joy to come! How amazing to be held by a God who commands the sun to rise and chooses to relentlessly love me. Ultimately, my life isn't about which job I choose to do or about me really; it's about giving glory to the Almighty God through my life!

"So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." -1 Corinthians 10:31

Please pray for my transition out of nannying and into a school in the inner city of Milwaukee. Please pray for the students and staff of the school - that the Lord would be the center of what we do!

15 Years Later - 9/11/2001

It's that time of year again - back to school, September. The time of year where we never forget those whose futures were abruptly stolen when terror gripped the United States.

Airplanes were grounded, buildings were in flames, streets were filled with smoke, emergency personnel from everywhere came running, heroes were made, heroes were lost, countless eyes were glued to the screen as the questions, "what just happened?" and "how much more?" rang through the minds of countless Americans.

I remember the day vividly. I woke up that Tuesday morning with nothing else on my mind, but the fact that I was turning ten! Two whole hands worth of fingers, people! It's a big deal, when you are ten. My family always watched the news in the morning before school, so just like any other day the news was on the tv. We got dressed, ate breakfast, and I packed up my birthday treat that I was bringing to my fellow 4th graders. I can't remember what the treat was, but I would guess chocolate was involved! Ha. As we were about to leave for school, the news broke that one of the World Trade Center Towers in New York had been struck by a plane. Live footage from news helicopters flooded the screen. I was ten so I didn't really understand, but I could sense the tension and anxiety of the reporters. My mom, who was a very timely woman, didn't move. "We're going to be late," I said tugging on her shirt. We didn't move, but watched. And watched live as the second plane blew through the other World Trade Center Tower. What? I went to school and class went about as usual, except with a giant elephant in the room. Some chatter about what happened took place, but the teachers remained calm and didn't give us updates.

I remember feeling like 'my day' had been stolen from me. But what a limited perspective I had as a naive ten year old. While I was pouting over lost attention on my birthday, people were just hoping and praying to hear from their loved ones, workers jumped from buildings to try to survive the smoke and collapsing offices, emergency personnel kissed their loved ones goodbye, some forever, and leaders deliberated action plans.

I've felt the weight of this attack since I was old enough to realize what had actually happened. I remember it affecting me differently each year. I couldn't make sense of it. It wasn't fair. How could people hate so much that they would kill people they didn't even know? How do you right that wrong? Where's the justice? What is the purpose of this war?

I don't have the answers for all such evils. But what I have learned:

Life is short. We are not in control, God is. We live in a broken world. So while the world spews hate or fights for things, fight back with love. Because when our nation was torn and broken, what brought us together and lifted us up were people helping each other. Some helped by donating blood, entering burning buildings, cleaning up rubble, donating clothing, giving up their time, energy, and resources to help find loved ones, praying for and with those affected, and others gave up the most precious thing - his or her life. We were made in the image of God. That image is one of restoration and reconciliation and community. Let's choose to live counter-culturally and be the hands and feet of Jesus in tragedy and in triumph! 

---------------

I wrote this poem about the grief of a wife who lost her husband as he fought for our country. It was inspired by a photograph I found many years ago. I don't have a copy of it anymore, but I would imagine that this photo elicits the emotional toll on this woman.

The Last Time I Saw Your Face

By: Jessica Eckert

Date: February 12, 2007

The last time I saw your face,

You were lying next to me.

You were remembering what used to be.

You were rising from the bed.

You rose and shook your head.

The last time I saw your face,

You were answering the phone.

You were packing to go alone.

You were whispering in my ears.

You were drowned in my tears.

You were saying your good-byes.

You were watering at the eyes.

The last time I saw your face,

You were hurrying to catch the plane.

Your were running through the rain.

You were on the T.V. screen.

You were on tank one-eighteen.

The last time we saw your face, 

We were all draped in a weeping, black sea.

We were remembering what used to be.

We were saying our good-byes.

We were watering at the eyes.

We were drowned in our tears. 

We were remember all the years.

All the years that are now lost,

All the years we’ll never get back,

All the years we never had,

And all the years we’ll lack.

Our love, the one and only.

Our love, we love you dear.

Our love, we’ll always remember 

What you did for our country, my dear.

The battles that you fought so bravely.

The days of pain and heartache.

The hours of feeling lonely.

And the minutes of fighting without a break.

You did this for our country. 

Without another word. 

You gave away a century,

That is what we heard.

To protect the nation you care so much about

Rest in peace, my love, we’ll never forget, have no doubt.

Fighting with Comfort

Comfort is a subtle, yet strong weapon that Satan can use to take our eyes off Jesus.

We can become comfortable with our jobs, our finances, our social status, the size of our house, our reputation, our relationship status, the size of our family, the success of our children. When people ask how we are doing, we say, "Great!" Is that 'great' a measurement of: how comfortable we feel in our current circumstances or how confident we are in who God is and His character, despite our circumstances?

What happens when our circumstances are hard? What happens when you don't have that well-paying job to go to? What happens when your family unit grows increasingly dysfunctional? What happens when your pennies are stretched or altogether disappear? What happens when your children make poor decisions? What happens when you've prayed and prayed and found no relief?

One's response to these things reveals the heart's posture, towards or away from God. He says in the sixth chapter of the book of Matthew:

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

“The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!

“No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Verses 19-34.

God asks us for our full devotion - to trust in Him and only Him. He is sovereign. He is in control of all the things that are going on. He has a plan and a purpose.

Recently, I have felt the temptation to despair and if I'm honest, I've given into it. I've let my circumstances define my joy. I've let the hard cause me to doubt God's goodness and His care for me. I've rummaged to create a back-up plan, as if God would fail me.

There are some things we don't realize we are thankful for until they are taken away. Over the summer, I had issues with my eye. It forced me to be uncomfortable with my appearance. Then I remember my appearance isn't everything. God calls me beautiful and His beloved, despite the amount of make-up the world says I need to wear. How easy it is to give in to what the world says. The noise is so loud - blaring through the screens, papers, etc. What does 'the world' have to offer? Nothing in comparison to the greatness of God, through Jesus. I pray the voice of God is heard louder than the noise. You are created in God's image. You are made to be beautiful! God created you specifically for a purpose. You may not see the whole picture, but your life has value. You are worth it! You are worth it so much that God chose to die for you! He loves you that much!

This summer poses a possible transition in vocation for me. Only the Lord knows at this point what the next step is, but I found myself asking questions about why I wanted different kinds of jobs. The world says that we need to have a stable income, we need benefits, we need to stay in one place for a long time. I know these are good things, but it's not okay to find our stability and comfort in these things. If our hope is in finding a great job, we have a problem. God doesn't always work in the logical, straightforward way. Actually, He usually turns things upside-down. It would be great to have a job that I love, but I want my only hope to be in God. I'm not defined my job or lack thereof, but I'm defined by who God says that I am. I want my vocation to be a means to store up treasures in heaven, not on earth.

I know this isn't something I have to do on my own. The Lord is with me in it. He is working through it. He will provide. It may look different than I think right now, but He will be glorified through it. And that it why I don't have to be anxious. He cares for His creation. He cares for His daughter. And He will supply my every need. Because He knows me better than I know myself and He planned my days before I was even born. Thank God! May I trust His plans.

He doesn't call us to comfortable. He calls us to give Him glory through our circumstances. Let us fight to not be comfortable, but to find our comfort in Him and only Him.

"Do you want to be healed?"

A few weeks ago, a dear friend of mine shared about something she learned at a conference. Unbeknownst to her, the Lord was working on my heart and that is exactly what I needed to hear. I honestly don't remember all the details, but the Lord was using the text from the Gospel of John chapter 5 verses 2-9:

Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, in Aramaic called Bethesda, which has five roofed colonnades. In these lay a multitude of invalids—blind, lame, and paralyzed. One man was there who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be healed?” The sick man answered him, “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me.” Jesus said to him, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.” And at once the man was healed, and he took up his bed and walked.

A story of a man being healed after thirty-eight years! Woah! The speaker had focused on how Jesus asked him if he wanted to be healed. Well, duh! That's why he has been sitting and waiting for thirty-eight years, right?! Of course, Jesus knew the man's thoughts and desires even before walking up to him.

But how often are we so close to healing and yet, not healed. It's something that isn't in our control necessarily. Ultimately, God is in control and His timing is perfect. "No one can say 'Jesus is Lord' except in the Holy Spirit" 1 Corinthians 12:3.

The ultimate healing comes when we acknowledge that God created us in His image and that when sin entered the world through Adam and Eve, God's presence did not dwell with man any longer. People and God were separated. A huge gulf existed between the Creator and the created. This is the greatest problem of all! That is why God had to send His Son to bridge the gap between us and Himself. The bridge cost Him His life, but He rose victoriously and is seated at the right hand of the Father. Someone had to come. Someone had to die the death we deserved so that we could live. Someone had to tell us to take up our bed, and walk in faith. His name is Jesus. He made the way for us to know God. Ephesians 2:8-10 says: "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

When we choose to take the step of faith and believe that Jesus died to save us from eternal separation from God, all of our sins are wiped away - past, present, and future. We are made new. We can live in freedom because of what Christ has done for us! Can I get an Amen! Thank you, Jesus!

Even though I have a new identity in Jesus, there are times when I get stuck in my circumstances, in my mistakes. I beat myself up, I doubt, I ask questions, I try to plan my future. These things aren't necessarily bad. I think it is healthy to ask questions, have doubts, make plans, and feel sorry for doing something wrong, but it's the staying stuck part and not yielding those things to the authority of an Almighty God who has already done so much and will most definitely continue to work in and through us, that's wrong. The Bible calls us to walk in victory. We have nothing to fear because His perfect love casts out fear. We don't have to be anxious about anything, because God will give us peace when we share those things with Him.

As I have reflected on this passage and seen it's themes run through other areas of Scripture that I'm reading, I can't help but see that my circumstances are nothing in the light of what Jesus has done! I've walked through the valley of the shadow of the death of my mom and I've felt stuck. There hasn't been anything as worse as this in my life thus far, and it hurts to a degree that I didn't think was possible. It's also so dynamic and long-term. Jesus is teaching me how to walk while carrying it. Amongst that, there is also the uncertainty of this stage of my life. What's next? I do not know. I have a million passions and desires and don't have an end plan. I'm walking one step at a time. God shining the light so that all I can see is the next step. I have to trust Him, that this crazy path I'm on is leading me to a things that are for my good and for His glory! And I trust Him because He's never failed and He won't start now.

So when Jesus asks, "Do you want to be healed?", my answer is yes. And it's a process. It involves sweat and tears and mistakes. But it's also covered by love and grace and truth. It's by the power of Jesus that we can walk through suffering and still experience joy. He is the source of our hope. He is the anchor for our souls. Even when the storms rage, we are anchored. We may sway to and fro and feel like we are going to fly overboard, but He holds us secure. We are His and He is ours.

What has you stuck? What are you waiting for? If you haven't taken the step of faith to trust Jesus, what's holding you back? How can you walk as a new creation? How are you called to walk in the light? How can you trust God today? Wrestle with God. Ponder the yearnings of your heart. Seek what He would have for you in this season of life and take up your mat and walk.

I pray that you are encouraged and pushed to lean into God's promises which are always true and never changing.

With joy,
Jess <3

A Beautiful Broken Mess

How seven hundred and thirty days have passed makes my mind wander in circles. That's a whole lot of memories and moments I wish I could have shared with you, Mom.

Over the last two years the image of a glass cup keeps coming to mind. Picture taking a brand new glass out of the box, setting it down - oops! you knicked the bottom. It is passed along from hand to hand, some are older, others younger. It supplied water and soda and milk, among other types of drinks. It's purpose to pour out onto others. It was cleaned and washed by hands and sometimes even a machine, it clanged against other dishes, rested on a drying rack. Then one day it falls to the floor from about three feet up and SMASH! it's in a hundred different pieces - medium sized pieces, bigger pieces, and teeny tiny pieces that have found their new home under the trim of the cupboards. Then someone grabbed a broom and a dustpan and threw the pieces in the trash. The End.

That's how the story ends for the cup, but that's not how my story ends! Over the years I see myself having been hurt along the way, but nothing (as of yet) has compared to that shattering day on February 3rd, 2014. I felt as though my world had shattered into a million pieces of all shapes and sizes - medium sized pieces, bigger pieces, and teeny tiny pieces that I will never be able to get back. Nothing made sense. My frame in which I saw the world was different. My sadness knew no end.  I'd forget to eat and had a hard time letting people into the valley of the shadow of death. At times, my hope felt lost, until the Lord gave me eyes to see the gentle ways he was picking up each piece individually and molding me back together. I wasn't being thrown in the garbage. Instead, God was holding me.

I've seen God answer prayers so specifically that it leaves me in awe. In this last year, I prayed that I would be able to reclaim my event planning capacity. The Lord provided a group of people who wanted to have fun together and my event planning was made possible. Similarly, I was missing living near the 'ocean' and was given the opportunity to live only a few blocks away from the lake. And most significantly, my sister chose to follow Jesus even if she doesn't have all the answers! Praise God!

On a deeper level, I'm in the process of being put back together, so there are still some things that my heart can't hold in. Emotions spill out, sometimes when I least expect them. My purpose never changed. I pour out onto others. It just looks different than it did 731 days ago.

I've learned a lot in these last two years about myself and about what is most important! I've recently been encouraged by Psalm 139. Usually when I think about that one, I assume I know it since I've heard it a number of times. However, a few new things stood out this time. Thank You, Lord, for these revelations. Over the last year, there were times where I tried to run - to things that felt better and made me happy, if only for a moment. But as this Psalm says, "Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me" verses 7-10. I can't run away! Because when I chose Jesus four and a half years ago, that was the moment His Spirit began it's reign in me. I'm in awe of how merciful and mighty He is! He is bigger than I could ever imagine, yet chooses to know me, dwell with me, live in me, walk alongside me through the mess and mud. What an amazing God! Another section of this Psalm talks about how God crafted us and shaped us intricately before we entered the world outside of our mother. Many times I think about how my mom was the only person who knew me completely for my whole life. It is a grave loss when someone who knew you so intimately is taken away, but this Psalm reminds me that God has known me far before my mother and loves me with greater intensity than any human ever could. I am so thankful for these reminders and this truth!

God is in the business of making all things new! He is a God who restores and refreshes! He is the One who gets His hands dirty and picks up shards of glass to very personally mold them back in place! I have no idea where I would be without my God who humbled Himself to die so that I could live! Don't hesitate to trust God! He loves you and wants to give you life abundantly now and for all eternity!

Life is a beautiful broken mess. And as hard as it is to say, I wouldn't want it any other way! Because I know "we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies." 2 Corinthians 4:8-10. I'm safe in the arms of my Father!